stag party?

Now that I'm in the last chapter of my being single, everybody is expecting me to have a bachelor/stag party. When I tell them I don't have one in the offing, even my girl friends are disappointed. They say it'd be lonely for me to go to the wedding without experiencing first a lap dance from some charming thing who does it for a living. Some even went as far as giving me numbers of pimps and people who they said can help me. One girl offered to do it herself, in private, but said she's only kidding, ha-ha, and left me with an aching boner.

"You can at least indulge in some torrid touching and groping, if you don't want it all the way," a former classmate said. How he figured I don't want it all the way is something that mystifies me. For her part, Mikay from Multiply said, "Just make it happen, dude." Make what happen, Miks? The uncouth ones yell, "Just go grab some pussy, you pansy!" and make me feel like the stereotypical highschool virgin in the process.

So will I have a bachelor/stag party or not? For one, I hate parties. All those drunk and boisterous people around you, telling you things you don't want to hear even in sobriety; inconsiderate assholes who'd treat you like shit if they go home unsatisfied; the possibility of violence breaking out; hysterical girls storming the nearest station afterward screaming gang-rape. Imagine the pressure on the host's shoulders. I need that like I need ants in my pants, man.

But - shit! - my friends are right: I need something to honor the dying days of my single life with. Maybe not as wild as a stag party, or as demented as an orgy, sorry folks, but something more intimate. A private lap dance sounds good -- with some torrid touching and a bit of tonsil-hockey on the side, if the performer is up to it, why not? Ditto a Kerouacian roadtrip with a real hot number who has ears for my crazy wanked-out ramblings. (Of course I've to beg for a friend's car for this. He says "no!" then this idea goes out the window. Bummer.) Unique stuff like that.

Then I will be ready to plunge into that world where they write "M" on the blank after Civil Status.