kaput

She said her name's Assunta, and I believe her like I believe cows fly when nobody's looking. You know girls in this type of job, they pick "sexy" names to make themselves marketable. It's impossible to go to a tit bar without bumping into a Trixie or a Trisha, a Melody or a Bernadette.

We were in Club Idol in Cubao, where my friends had organized a "stag" party for me. "Where is the fucking lap dance you promised I'm gonna have tonight?" I yelled when I noticed nothing's happening. "Forget it," barked Aldwin, who was the Big Boss and Treasurer for the night. "Not enough budget. I think we may have overspent on something." Then he plunged into this litany about how the mama-san was allegedly ripping us off. "It's as if her girls shit bricks of gold in the morning!" (At that point the bill was at Php4500 and still climbing. Assunta said for an additional Php3200 every hour we can go to a "dark room" where she can give me a private show and a head-spinning blowjob. Add Php500 and she'll go "all the way." No, she doesn't give discounts. Her pussy isn't Divisoria, she said.)

The mama-san stood in one corner, smiling like a Guy Fawkes mask, pretending she's not hearing any of this.

When it became obvious to her that no "dark room" action was imminent, Assunta asked if we could just give her Php300 "for my make-up." I looked at the bouncer and instantly threw the idea of pushing her off the chair out the window. Who wants to go home with an aching schlong and a bruised face?

Onstage, a girl with a tattoo on her left shoulderblade was playing with her clit while Jon Bon Jovi wailed from the speakers about being shot in a blaze of glory. My drunken friends could only gawk and drool.

"Php100 na lang. Pang-taxi ko," Assunta said. She should've called herself Gretchen. Or Ruffa. I had to rub my face to ensure I was awake and hearing this. We had to give in just to get rid of her.

And that's how my "stag" party went.

We should've stayed in Tiendesitas. At least the singer there was a real hot number. Those long legs, man . . .